Shattered
by Shadow Padawan
Summary: A young boy's innocent ideas about friendship are shattered by the reality of the Clone Wars.


**Title:** Shattered  
**Author:** Shadow Padawan  
**Genre:** Drama, angst  
**Timeframe:** Clone Wars, post-CW  
**Characters:** OCs, Obi-Wan, Anakin (in mention)  
**Summary:** A young boy's innocent ideas about friendship are shattered by the reality of the Clone Wars.  
**Notes:** Written for the Essential Guide To OCs June Challenge on TFN (back in '07, not sure why it never went up here). A bit AU in the sense that Anakin doesn't turn to the DS but the story doesn't focus on that aspect.

* * *

I don't think I will ever forget the night my master almost left the Order.

I was only thirteen then, a young padawan getting his first tastes of the Clone Wars. It was my second off-Coruscant mission and the first time I actually saw some of the war in its full brutality, if only from the shelters of the Republic Forces Base. I knew that my master had fought long and hard against the council who insisted that I see some real action. My master had finally given in but still walked out of the meeting muttering, "Too young…he's too young."

It was a joint mission with the famous team of Skywalker-Kenobi. At that age the simple thought of possibly seeing the famous Jedi team in action was enough to get me exited beyond my master's control. Although, I would unlikely see then in battle given that I would never be aloud in the hot spots they would no doubt be working, my master didn't have the heart to deprive me of my childish fantasies.

I knew both Jedi and idolized them in that naïve way that little boys have. This especially went for Master Skywalker. Anakin often came around to visit with my master – the two were friends – and sometimes my training fell into his hands when Master was off on one mission or another. Master Skywalker was everything I ever wanted to be. Powerful, talented, brave, an amazing pilot, and at the same time very down-to-earth he was the icon of perfection to me. Obi-Wan, for me, was guilty by association. It wasn't his council seat that had me in awe, but Anakin's admiration for him. If even Anakin Skywalker looked up to Master Kenobi who was I not to? Master Kenobi was Anakin's former master, partner, and best friend. I saw them as the unbreakable team. Nothing could stand between them. And from all the things I overheard Anakin telling my master about Obi-Wan my eleven-year-old mind put together a picture that was in no way realistic. It wasn't only their exploits as a team that I dreamed up but also their seemingly unshakable loyalty to each other. Through them – or through Anakin, I should say – I had built up my views about what true friendship was and Team Skywalker-Kenobi became my icon of true friendship.

Because, you see, best friends put each other above everything and everyone else. Because, you see, best friends never left each other behind. Because, you see, best friends were inseparable no matter what.

And that was Anakin and Obi-Wan.

The night my master almost left the Order my delusions had shattered. That was the night Master Kenobi came back to the base after a scouting expedition…and Master Skywalker didn't.

_Karma-Kai was a cold world. No snow fell from its grey sky but the ground often had an icy coating in the early mornings or late evenings. Jedi Padawan Paolo Valenzy stood quietly at the view port of one of the command centers of the base. Around him clone officers bustled around, performing their routine duties. The young padawan stared out into the empty planes of Karma-Kai, waiting for the ships to return._

_They came as though out of nowhere, dropping from the sky - three Republic crew ships. "They're here! They're back!" Paolo shouted happily, bouncing through the command center toward the hanger back. The padawan pulled his cloak tighter around himself as he rushed into the cool night air to greet the returning ships. The thirteen year old watched openmouthed as the gigantic ships landed one by one, hatches opened, and ramps descended, accompanied by mechanic hums._

_Clones marched out of the ships first. Paolo waited patiently for the Jedi to emerge. His master came first. She looked tired and stressed, not unusual, but there was a hint of something else about her. Paolo could feel it in the Force. Whatever the emotion was it was brimming just behind the Jedi Knight's tight shields._

_"Master!" the padawan called out, admittedly relieved to see her come back, even if he expected no less._

_The moment the young knight saw him she ran to him, scooping the child into her arms and hugging him tightly to her._

_"Master? Master, what's wrong?" The padawan pulled back far enough to look into his master's eyes. Curious dark brown eyes met devastated brown ones and a feeling of incomprehensible foreboding settled in the boy's stomach. "Master?" he demanded._

_The young knight didn't answer, only stared at her young charge, shaking her head a little. "Paolo. Padawan, I want you to know that I will never leave you behind, no matter what happens, ok?"_

_"Master?" He was puzzled now, unsure as to what he should think. His master had always been so strong, always standing up for what she believed was right, always in control of her feelings, always affectionate with him though never needing to express that affection in words. This sudden emotional outburst was so unusual._

_"I just want you to know that I'm always here for you, I will never leave you."_

_"I will never leave you ether, Master," he responded quietly, unsure as to what he should say. In the young boy's mind such things went unsaid. They were a team, they were friends. His master hugged him close and Paolo accepted the warmth of the embrace._

_Master Kenobi was the next to emerge. Paolo almost jumped from excitement. Master Skywalker was sure to follow. But Anakin never came. Obi-Wan passed them by, head lowered slightly, and disappeared into the base. Paolo kept waiting for Anakin to appear at the top of the ramp but he never did._

_"Let's go in, Padawan." The boy pulled back to look at his master in surprise._

_"Aren't we going to wait for Master Skywalker?"_

_Softly, "No."_

_"Can I wait for Master Skywalker?"_

_"Paolo, Anakin isn't coming."_

_"Why not?"_

_Silence. The young knight bit her lip, her eyes glazing over as she considered the boy's question._

_Paolo tried to probe through their bond but was rebutted with strong shields. The boy withdrew, a cold fear settling in his heart. His master never shut him out like that. "Why isn't Master Skywalker coming? Is he injured? Can I see him at the med-bay?"_

_"No, no, Padawan," the young master interrupted quickly, shaking her head slowly from side to side. "Anakin…he…he had some things that needed to be done so…so he didn't come back to base with us."_

_The young padawan's eyes narrowed. He stared intently at his master and somehow he knew, knew with that remarkable intuition of a child, that she was lying. "You're not telling the truth."_

_"Paolo…"_

_"You're lying to me!"_

_"Padawan," more firmly now._

_"Anakin's dead isn't he! If Anakin was still out there and in possible danger Master Kenobi wouldn't have come back! He wouldn't leave Anakin alone to face the Seps, they're best friends."_

_"Padawan, you don't understand…" There was desperation and pleading in her voice now as she struggled with her own feelings. Paolo was so naïve, so innocent in his admiration of both Anakin and Obi-Wan and the friendship that he felt lay between. How could she ever tell him the truth?_

_The boy tore out of her arms and ran out of the hanger bay and to his quarters, tears stinging his eyes. If Master Kenobi returned without Anakin that meant that Anakin was dead, if he wasn't injured. And he believed his master enough to believe her when she said that Anakin wasn't injured. But then he couldn't be MIA or captured because then Obi-Wan wouldn't have come back, he would still be out there, looking for his best friend or trying to get him out of custody, ether one. How could it ever be otherwise? But he knew Anakin wasn't simply dispatched on a solo excursion. He was old enough to sense that something was terribly wrong. His master was distraught, terribly so. But then how could Master Skywalker ever die? He was the best Jedi in the order. Besides, team Skywalker-Kenobi was undefeatable, inseparable._

_The thoughts spun in the young padawan's mind as he fell on his bunk and buried his head into his pillow, crying softly. War had been so distant before now. People died in it, sometimes people he knew by sight or name. But now it had somehow become incredibly personal._

_He couldn't sleep. His thoughts were still chaotic but now the first burst of denial and grief had faded and a sense of shame settled over him. He had hurt his master, he knew. He hadn't been one bit supportive. If Anakin was truly dead then the last thing his master needed now was a bratty padawan who couldn't keep his emotions under control and acted like a whinny youngling._

_The need to apologize and obtain answers pulled the young padawan out of bed and on a search for his master through the long winding hallways of the base. Her signature was a bright beacon to him and for that he was grateful – she hadn't shut his out, so there was still plenty of room for redemption. Her signature led him to a conference room and he stood outside, reaching out into the Force to identify any others present. His perceptions picked up another life form and he was soon able to distinguish the signature as Master Kenobi's._

_Paolo bit his lip and then, making a choice, pulled up his shields and pressed his ear against the crack between the door and the wall. Raised voices came from within the room and Paolo, interest peaked, looked behind him from one end of the dimply lit hallway to the other, to make sure that no one was there to witness his eavesdropping._

_Satisfied that he was alone, he returned his attention to the heated conversation inside. Paolo couldn't hear the voices clearly, even in their raised state, but parts of the conversation leaked out._

_"I had no choice, Lexxa." The first voice was clearly male – Master Kenobi._

_"No choice…how did you not have a choice?"_

_"…jeopardize the mission!"_

_"So you LEFT him?"_

_"Personal loyalty…thousands of lives were at stake…couldn't…wouldn't risk it."_

_"…left your best fried to die!"_

_"…no choice!"_

_":Liar! I always knew you were a no good…I'm going to look for him…"_

_"You forget your place, Knight Lysk."_

_"Well what are you planning to do? Tell the council…then I will leave myself. I refuse to be part of an order that has no value for friendship. I refuse to be a witness to this kind of betrayal and feel like I can do – say even – nothing about it!"_

_"…Leave the order then."_

_"That is something I will do willingly now…shattered."_

_There was momentary silence that seemed to stretch on forever. Paolo stood still, his mind trying to sort out the information that he had just received from the snatches of conversation. His world seemed to shattered, falling apart around him. Everything he stood for was crashing and burning as he stood there, alone and helpless, powerless to save the situation. Obi-Wan had left Anakin behind to die? Obi-Wan had sacrificed Anakin's life to save the mission? And now his master was leaving the Order…leaving him? It had to be a nightmare. It simply had to._

_The door swished open and Lexxa marched out, followed closely by Master Kenobi. His master's surprised look spoke volumes and the young padawan took several steps back from her. "You're leaving the Order?" His voice came out pathetically squeaky,_

_"No, Padawan…" she started, forgetting completely about Master Kenobi. Lexxa's eyes softened as she approached her apprentice._

_He shook his head but didn't back away any further. "I heard you! You said that you didn't want to be in the Order anymore. That you would leave…willingly. You promised that you wouldn't leave me! You said you would always be there!"_

_Lexxa sank to her knees and wrapped the boy in her arms. "Come, let's talk about this in our quarters…"_

Lexxa didn't leave the Order. There was no talk about it after that nigh. She had explained to me that her words had been propelled by emotion and had held little value. But I knew that she had considered it, and had I not been in apprenticeship to her at the time, she might have left after all. I finally figured out why I the last word of the conversation I had overheard was "shattered." My master had always had a precarious belief in the Jedi way. She hid it well from me but as I grew older I was able to feel the conflict within her, though less so after the war ended. That night the last of the ideals that had been imprinted in her mind from childhood had shattered.

Hers weren't the only ones. For years after, I struggled with my understanding of how friendship and the Jedi Code co-existed. Sometimes I wondered if maybe they didn't. Or was the fault in the friendship of the team I had chosen to idolize?

Anakin came back eventually. He wasn't in too good a shape when he did but he came back – alive. He still works with Master Kenobi and they are still renowned for their successful missions. But they had lost their magic to me. All my childish fantasies had faded away, all illusions shattered. Growing up takes away a child's innocents. It is a natural process. Growing up during a war makes the process even more difficult. The war taught me a lot but the mission on Karma-Kai is most memorable, I suppose, because it was my first real taste of the war, as well as my first real taste of "betrayal."

Because, you see, best friends don't put each other above everything and everyone else. Because, you see, best friends do leave each other behind. Because, you see, best friends are not inseparable no matter what.

Some small part of me died that night.


End file.
